


Songs of Yore Re-Sung

by appelwagon



Category: Sherlock (TV), The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Bizarre character fusions, Epic BFFery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-09-01
Updated: 2011-09-05
Packaged: 2017-10-23 07:45:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/247883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/appelwagon/pseuds/appelwagon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The one where a dragon and a hobbit roam Middle Earth solving crimes. OR: Smaug has an unexpected visitor, Bilbo has a limp, questions are asked, and very few are answered (though many are deduced).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Adventure of the Silver Walking Stick

"Ah, a visitor!" the dragon said, and poor Bilbo's heart nearly leapt from his armor in fright. He darted quick as a thought back to the tunnel’s mouth, and though his footsteps sounded terribly loud to his own ears, hobbits have a way of slipping through the dark in silence.

"He can't have seen me!" Bilbo thought, for his magic ring was well in place on his finger. "Why, he hasn't even opened his eyes!"

Bilbo ventured another peek into the dragon's lair. Smaug, indeed, lay with his broad scaly back turned to the tunnel, his head tucked out of sight. He was not red, as the Men of Lake-town had described, but a charcoal black that gleamed as slick as a beetle shell. He was large, larger than Bilbo could have imagined, and he lay upon heaps of gold that seemed greater than the whole of the Shire.

"Well? Have you come to stand and gape, or will you introduce yourself?"

The voice rumbled like thunder and sent gooseflesh down Bilbo's arms, but there was more courage in the hobbit than you would suspect. For, instead of fleeing as I expect you and I may have done when faced with an inquisitive dragon, Bilbo stepped forward, limp and all.

"You have discovered me, Smaug the all-seeing! There is no use in hiding." Bilbo said. He guessed, correctly, that dragons quite enjoy praise and flattery.

"Naturally," said Smaug, sounding the smallest bit pleased. "I could smell you a league off. I don't suppose your dwarves have come with you? Or have they sent you down as an appetizer?"

Bilbo started, so surprised that for a moment he forgot to be afraid. "Why, how did you know of the dwarves!" he exclaimed. He realized his mistake immediately and cursed his admission, but it was too late. Smaug exhaled a chuckle that echoed and filled the underground cavern with a cloud of heat.

"Fourteen ponies, powerful fore- and hindlegs, clearly accustomed to drawing heavy loads over long distances, good for trade but too ill-groomed to be of elvish stock. That leaves the Men of Lake-town. However the Men have learned to fear this region and have not ventured close in many a year - nor have they reason to, they do well enough with trade to the South without disturbing the dragon to the North. But if another were to offer a solution to their pesky dragon problem, they would not hesitate to offer what help they could.

Now who would dare challenge a dragon? I see your party has not been equipped with full-grown horses, which could travel greater distances with more speed and bear a greater load. Why? Size must be the issue. That leaves us with human children (impossible) or dwarves. Dwarves it is, then, come to reclaim their gold and their throne."

Bilbo's mouth hung open in astonishment. "Remarkable!" he said.

For you see, hobbits know very little of dragons, dragons being entirely improper and prone to making appearances in adventures. Bilbo could only guess at the cleverness of dragons, and Smaug was a very clever dragon indeed.

At Bilbo's exclamation, Smaug opened one grey eye. It was slitted, much like a cat's, and it stared directly at Bilbo.

"Do you think so?" Smaug said, "That's not what most people say."

"Oh? What do most people say?"

"Please, please don't eat me," Smaug recited dutifully, and then yawned a great dragon yawn that showed all his teeth. He did it on purpose, of course, to scare poor Bilbo out of his wits. But Bilbo had had quite enough of being scared, now, and was ready to be gone back up the passage where no clever dragons with their pointed teeth were waiting for him. So he put on his best company voice, the one he used when he very much wished the Sackville-Baggins would leave his hobbit hole and stop eyeing his silver spoons.

"That's very nice," he said, "but I suppose I will be going. I am not a dwarf, so my business must not concern you. Good-bye."

As he spoke, Bilbo stooped and picked up the nearest bit of treasure he could find, a silver walking stick laden with gems. He slipped quietly back into the shadows, knowing Smaug would not hear or see, even if he could smell. But the dragon's voice followed as he fled - "Good-bye. And good choice. I suppose you will need that, for your psychosomatic limp."

So that when Bilbo returned to the surprised and grateful cries of his companions, he was entirely bewildered.


	2. A Case of Identity

“You’ve returned! Looking to steal more treasure, I expect.”

Bilbo drew up short, indignant. Though it was quite true that he had come back for more - the dwarves had grown bold at the sight of the walking stick and clamoured for more when they saw Bilbo had escaped with hardly a singe - he hardly thought the accusation fair.

“Well! I suppose you could call it theft, if only the treasure were yours to begin with!”

Smaug raised his great black head, eyes slitting in annoyance. “I will have you know I earned this gold.”

“Oh, indeed! I suppose you will say it isn’t theft so long as you slaughter the owners.”

Smaug’s wings opened with a loud snap, and Bilbo remembered suddenly that he was arguing with a dragon.

“If you must know, I was promised a share of Thror’s treasure for finding the rogue dwarf poisoning the chief metalsmiths. My brother disapproved of my work with the dwarves, and - well.”

Smaug paused, dragging one long claw idly through a pile of treasure. If Bilbo had thought dragons capable of such a thing, he would have called the silence embarrassed. “We had a small argument,” Smaug finally said. “I won, of course.”

Bilbo sputtered in disbelief. “You mean this - your destruction of the Lonely Mountain - this was simply a -”

“Bored!” declared Smaug, turning to stare keenly at the tiny opening in the cavern wall where Bilbo stood. “Now what I’d like to know is - who are you, thief and companion of dwarves?”

Bilbo’s mind raced. If you will remember, during his adventures Bilbo had proven to be quite clever in tight corners, and this was no exception.

“Can you not guess, dragon of the Lonely Mountain? You knew my companions well enough.”

“Yes, well.” Smaug said, creeping closer, his narrow belly dragging against the jewels upon the floor. “Your smell is new to me.”

“I have a proposition for you!” Bilbo said quickly, scurrying back several meters into the safety of the tunnel. “Guess who I am, and you may do as you wish with myself and my companions. Fail to guess, and relinquish another item from your hoard.”

“Only one?” Smaug said, amused. “What small ambitions you have. Small ambitions for a small creature, I suppose, judging from the volume of your voice. Your tread suggests two legs, the gait suggests a limp. As you will remember, I have noted it is psychosomatic. My ears are very keen, but I could not hear your approach in the slightest. It was only when I spoke to you that you grew nervous, and the limp and your clumsy tread appeared. Now where would a band of dwarves and their thief companion acquire such injuries? The land is peaceful to the south, barren to the east. That leaves the north and west. I come from the lands of the north, and know every sort of creature that creeps and flies through that wretched space. You must hail from the west. I presume your injury came from battling Spiders in the wood.”

Bilbo held back his cry of surprise. Smaug was very clever indeed, but Bilbo had learned his lesson from their last encounter!

“No comment?” Smaug said, his voice smug. “Well. I shall presume I am correct on all counts. Let us discuss your size. You are small, yes, but the length of your stride suggests you should not be so small as to be invisible to my eye. You must either have a natural magic hiding you from sight, or an external aid. You could be a very small wizard indeed, but you do not smell of magic. Your species may have a naturally invisibility, but you move like one accustomed to dark, underground spaces where such a skill would be unnecessary. I will presume your invisibility comes from an external aid.

So, thief, what I know of you is this: you are small and live beneath the ground, but you are not a dwarf. You are strong enough to battle Spiders, and clever enough to escape the orcs of the Misty Mountains, but not strong and clever enough to escape injury. You have access to powerful magic, but you are not magical yourself. You are a creature of the distant West, beyond Mirkwood, beyond the mountains, and by your speech you are well-educated and live a life of comfort and leisure, most likely among many of your own kind.”

Smaug paused to preen and rest his chin on his long claws. “Tell me, have I got it right?”

Bilbo was so astonished that he nearly forgot his wits. “Well!” he thought. “Dragons are quite peculiar! Quite peculiar indeed!” Aloud, he said, “That is all very well, Smaug, but I believe I asked you to guess _who_ I am, not _what_!”

A slow stream of smoke pooled from Smaug’s nostrils, and Bilbo scrambled back further, fearing the dragon’s rage at his trickery. But, to his astonishment, Smaug simply laughed, the roar of it shaking a clatter of stones from the roof of the cavern.

“Very well!” the dragon said. “Take what treasure you will. So long as you return tomorrow, thief. You are a strange one, and I daresay the most interesting to come along in a near century.”

Bilbo snatched up a goblet, huffing in indignation. “Strange!” he repeated. “He thinks _me_ strange!”

And thus Bilbo escaped back up the tunnel, grumbling all the while.


End file.
